How to teach your child to wait and what you could do before and after telling your child “no”

Two common difficulties that we encounter when working with families over the years are regarding waiting and when a child is told no.  These two scenarios can be overwhelming as they are often accompanied by the most intense challenging behaviors.  We will go over these on this this post.

First off, the skill of requesting appropriately must be well-established already.  If this skill is not yet in your child’s repertoire then it must be taught first. If the skill is already there, but it’s not as fluent as we’d need it to be, then work on that first.

Let’s say your child can already ask for a cookie—this is great, but what can you do if for some reason, you child has to be told to wait?   If your first thought given that question you just read is along the lines of “oh…” then do consider the following.  There is this passage of time that happens between being asked to wait for something and finally getting that something.  The key here is working on that gap.  Depending on how your child “understands” that concept—time—you may have to be more hands-on when helping out your child go through it.   Instead of simply saying “wait,”  try giving your child something that he likes to “kill time.” This is not something out of the ordinary. Case in point: look at long lines of people at a grocery store, a theme park ride, at a bank, et cetera.  It is very rare to see a long line of people, waiting, just starting blankly at the back of the head of the person in front of them (unless you’re in the military or something similar) and just “wait” for their turn.  Perhaps you’ll notice a handful dealing with waiting in not-so-positive ways but for the most part, people will do something to pass time.  From being on their phones, talking to someone whom they are with, looking around, reading a book—we, again, most of us, can handle waiting because we fill that gap with something else.  And that is something that you can try out—offer your child something that they will not mind doing while they wait.  The more reinforcing that activity the better. When starting to teach your child to wait while engaged in something, make sure to keep the wait-time very short. How short?  It depends on each child really, but a good rule of thumb is to end the wait when your child is still behaving well (i.e., before your child starts that path to a full-blown tantrum). Let’s say that time is around one minute—great. Keep it around that time limit and systematically increase the time just a bit and stay on that higher limit (e.g., from one minute to about two minutes) until your child gets used to it.  From there, you can once again increase the limit to say three minutes.  This does not happen without any difficulty—the key here is you being consistent.  Also, avoid a situation wherein the wait time had been too long that your child “forgets” about whatever it is he or she is waiting for.  You need your child’s motivation for whatever it is he or she is waiting for for the learning process to “click.”  Once that motivation goes away, the teachable opportunity is lost so it is best to be realistic on how long you really want your child to wait.

Again, teach waiting only if they can truly have that cookie, but at a later time (or after a number of activities).  If they cannot have that cookie, then don’t say wait (after which they do) then tell them no in the end. Hence, the next topic: what can you do when you are about to tell your child no (i.e., denial).

True: a no is a no and that is something our children must learn; however, before we get to that lesson, let’s take a few steps back.  If you know that your child cannot have that cookie, give your child’s behaviors a chance to not escalate.  Offer your child something she likes instead of whatever that is she wants at the moment.  The key here is you offering an alternative that she truly wants—whatever that is given that moment.  If your child accepts the alternative—great!  If your child does not like your attempts to compromise—and if your child is capable—ask her to choose her own alternative item/food/activity.  Be prepared to honor her choice.  If your child accepts that scenario—great!   If not, time to roll up your sleeves—it’s time to teach your child that no means no.  There is no going around this.  You have offered her alternatives. You have also given her a chance to choose her own alternative.  If those fail, you have done your job but despite your efforts to teach alternatives, the tantrums will happen. As those behaviors are happening, the worst thing that you can do is give in—no.  Don’t give in as that will only reinforce all those not-so-nice behaviors.  It will be difficult, but a no is a no.

When your child’s behaviors start to de-escalate, it is still possible to offer her alternative and/or giving her a chance to select her own, but never give in.

If your child already engages in the most extreme challenging behaviors such as self-injurious behaviors or property destruction or any other behaviors that compromise the safety of others during times when he or she is denied access to something, we highly recommend that you immediately seek assistance from a trained professional.

Using Social Stories to Help Individuals with Autism in Classrooms and Other Settings

Using Social Stories is a strategy that is likely not new to teachers. However, not all teachers know that they can be used to work with and teach individuals with autism specific skills surrounding social and behavioral needs. Social stories interventions enhance social skill acquisition for many students with autism. They help individuals with autism to better understand the tones of interpersonal communication so that they can interact in an effective and appropriate manner.

Let’s take a look at social stories are and how can they be used with students with autism?

A social story is a mini book that describes a social situation and the appropriate social responses. Social stories are individualized for each student and teach a specific desired response. They are used to seek answers to questions that an individual with autism may need to know to interact with others, for example, answers to who, what, when, where and why in social situations.  Social stories can also be used to learn new routines, activities, and how to respond appropriately to feelings like anger and frustration.

Social stories are written using four sentence types. Descriptive sentences, which provide information about the subject, setting, and action; directive sentences, which describe the appropriate behavioral responses; perspective sentences, which identify the possible feelings and reactions of others; and control sentences, which describe the actions and responses of the story participants. A sample control sentence might be, a puppy barks to get its owner’s attention. Or, Ginny yelled to get the teacher’s attention. It is customary for social stories to have two to five descriptive, perspective, or control sentences in the story. Writing social stories for lower functioning students or students who have the tendency to over focus on a specific part of the story may require dropping the control sentence.

When creating a social story there are 10 steps that are used: One, identify the target behavior in the problematic situation. Two, define the target behavior. Three, collect baseline data on the target behavior. Four, write a social story using the four-sentence types. Five, present one to three sentences on each page. Six, use photographs and drawings or icons. Seven, read the social story to the student and model the desired behavior for them. Eight, collect data on the target behavior. Nine, review the data and the social story procedures and modify if they are not effective. Ten, plan for maintenance and generalization.

Social stories are written in the first-person point of view or the child’s point of view. It should also be in the present tense and the child’s level of vocabulary and comprehension should be considered.

Remember that students with autism frequently do not maintain or generalize skills that they have learned. Although you will ultimately fade the use of a social story, plan activities to assist the student in generalizing skills across content, persons, environment, and situation. Remember to transition the newly acquired skill to the naturally occurring contingencies. Social stories appear to be a promising intervention method for improving the social behavior of individuals with autism.

How Choice Boards and “Wait Supports” Can Be Used to Support Students with Autism in Classrooms

A “Choice Board” is a type of visual environmental support that can be beneficial for students, especially students with ASD. Choices should be incorporated into as many activities as possible as choice boards provide students with decision-making opportunities. As such, it can display the objects, pictures, icons, or words that would represent a menu of activities or reinforcers. These can easily be made with supplies such as poster paper, card stock, white boards, or on any surface that you can attach or write on. Choice boards are often placed next to a student’s daily schedule, and when a designated time arrives, students simply select a preferred activity from the board. Choice boards with preferred activities can be placed near the free time or break time area of the room, and provide a stimulus for independent selection of an activity.

Similar to choice boards, ‘Waiting Supports’ are another visual strategy, or tool that can be incorporated throughout the school day. As we know, waiting is a difficult skill for many children, with or without disabilities. But for students with autism in particular, waiting typically presents problems because they have limited ability to delay gratification and comprehend the concept of waiting. We also know that if a student is waiting too long or is not engaged in some type of activity, even if it is a simple activity such as putting a back pack away or clearing a desk, then more than likely, unwanted behaviors will occur. Therefore, students with ASD will typically require specific instructions to develop appropriate waiting behaviors. When developing waiting supports, we need to determine if the student has the prerequisite skills that are necessary to engage in waiting behaviors. This is easy to do. First, role-play and practice waiting using different instructions and in different settings when you want to identify this skill. Keep in mind that when you are practicing ‘learning to wait’ with your students, make sure it is authentic and in an actual setting where you would expect the student to use this skill. Again, be sure to teach waiting skills across a variety of settings to increase the likelihood of generalization. Even using a peer model or a peer buddy during waiting times can offer support for desired behaviors, and specific ‘physical supports’ such as chairs near the waiting area, setting a timer, or holding a picture representing “wait” can also help a student learn this concept.

As we know, for any kind of learning to take place, it is essential for students to have active involvement with their teachers, peers, and the curriculum. Students with autism tend to be passive learners. Therefore, it is necessary to plan activities that require students to become active participants. Creating opportunities for students to respond is a high instructional priority. Research supports a functional relationship between academic performance and how often a student is able to respond. Therefore, the more a student participates in an activity, the more off task and disruptive behaviors will decrease.

What should you do IN RESPONSE to your child engaging in challenging behavior?

Remember those four reasons why people may engage in challenging behaviors discussed in the previous post?  People may want attention from other people, may want something, may want to get out of something, or may enjoy how the behavior feels.  If you haven’t already read it, we suggest reading the prior post so the information below is as useful as possible.

This post will focus on reactive strategies, based on the reason your child is engaging in the particular challenging behavior.  In other words, what should you do in response to your child engaging in the behavior?  This is probably the most stressful for parents as they may wonder if what they are doing is right.  They may wonder if they are hindering or helping their child.  Hopefully we can provide some guidance.

If your child engages in a particular challenging behavior to get something that he/she wants, it is important for him to learn that his behaviors do not lead to getting what he/she wants.  You should avoid giving them what they want when engaging in the problem behavior, and even after the behavior ends.  The child should only be allowed to get what they want if he engages in a more appropriate behavior, which we will discuss in a future post. This can be difficult for parents as giving the child what they want quiets them down and relieves much of the stress in the home or community setting.  The problem is that your child will learn this connection and continue to engage in this behavior in the future when they want to same thing. It will become a repeated cycle.

If your child engages in a particular challenging behavior to get out of something, such as homework or eating dinner, it is important to not allow him to get out of the situation until they engage in a more appropriate behavior.  If the child hits and screams while doing homework, it is important to follow through, require them to complete a few more problems without hitting and screaming, and then they can leave.  More appropriate behaviors to get out of doing things they don’t want to do will be discussed in future posts.

If your child engages in a particular challenging behavior to get attention, you should avoid providing attention to them until the behavior is not occurring or he engages in a more appropriate behavior to get your attention.  Providing attention only teaches them that this bad behavior leads to what they want.  This connection needs to be disconnected and the child needs to be taught more appropriate ways to get attention.

Last, if your child engages in some challenging behavior because it feels good, such as head banging, it is important to block this behavior so that this particular behavior does not provide the sensory satisfaction that your child is receiving (in addition to preventing them from doing harm to themselves).  You can physically block the behavior or there are many devices created for this purpose.

Stay tuned for a future post providing suggestions for what to teach your child to do instead of engaging in the bad behaviors they currently know will get them what they want.  Just reacting how we have described above will not teach new, appropriate ways to get what they want.  Teaching a new, more appropriate behavior is the key to decreasing challenging behaviors.

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Using Language in a Clear Way for Children with Autism

If you’ve ever heard behavioral therapists speaking with children with autism, you may have noticed that they speak with very clear and minimalistic language. Some people may even think it’s too robotic. So, why do they do it?

A language impairment is one of the main criteria to receive a diagnosis of autism. Many children may have difficulties not only expressing themselves but also understanding what other people say. Adults may think that the child is just ignoring them but in reality, the child may not understand what the adult is saying. Imagine going to a foreign country with people speaking a language that you do not understand and having no means of figuring out what the people are saying. If someone says, “Hey you, come here” in their language, would you respond?  If you don’t understand what they are saying you probably would not respond. This is how your child might be feeling.

The next time you try to give instructions to your child, think about this, and try some of the techniques we’ve outlined below.

First, use clear and minimalistic language. Say, “come here” instead of “hey Johnny, will you please come here now?!”

Second, to increase the likelihood that your child will pay attention to you and hear what you are saying, try the following strategies:

  • Give your instruction while you are physically near your child (i.e., next to them).
  • Crouch down close to your child so your voice and face are closer to him, increasing the chance of him looking at you.
  • Physically touch your child to bring his attention to you.
  • Talk to him about what he is engaged in before giving your instruction. For example, if your child is playing with Legos, you can first make a comment about the activity such as, “I really like what you built!”
  • If needed, interrupt his play if he is engaged in a highly preferred toy or activity before giving your instruction.

When these strategies are combined, they may help increase the likelihood that your child will understand you and follow through with what you instructed them to do.

Teaching alternative behaviors to decrease or stop inappropriate challenging behaviors

Implementing a behavior intervention plan to decrease or stop a challenging behavior is one thing.  Teaching an alternative to the challenging behavior is another.  Imagine this: your child climbs on the kitchen counter to reach for a jar of cookies way up in a cabinet.  Can you implement a plan to decrease or eliminate the behavior of climbing on the counter?  Yes, but there is also a chance that your child will just learn another challenging behavior to get him the same result.  In practice, it is always best to teach and alternative behavior.  Teaching the alternative behavior, in a way, can make the “unlearning” of the challenging behavior much faster.

There are four reasons why children may engage in challenging behaviors: either to get something she or he wants (access), to get out of doing something they don’t want (escape), to get attention, or because the behavior itself feels good or pleases them (self-stimulatory/automatic).  The general theme that you will see throughout this article is that the alternative behavior that you should teach your child should still lead to your child getting what they want (i.e., one of the four reasons).

Let’s say your child screams and throws objects when they are done with their dinner.  Your child is trying to get out of something—the dinner table.  What might you teach your child to do instead of throwing and screaming?  You can possibly teach your child to “properly” communicate when they are done whether it be signing “all done” with their hands, saying “all done,” giving an “all done” laminated picture to an adult at the table, or some other mode of communication based on your child’s repertoire of skills.  At first, assist your child when you begin to see the signs of them being all done by guiding them through the physical movements of communicating (i.e., exchanging a picture or signing), or modeling the words they should use.  Gradually fade this assistance until they are doing it on their own, without engaging in the challenging behaviors.

The same strategies should be utilized for the other “functions” of behaviors, or when your child engages in challenging behaviors for other reasons.  When they want a cookie that is out of reach in the kitchen, teach your child to ask for the cookies using whatever mode of communication is appropriate for your child to replace the climbing on the counters.  It is important to give your child cookies every time they ask when they are first learning as this will be the key to decreasing the challenging behavior of climbing on the counter.  As your child gets used to this process, you can start giving him what he wants once in a while—this is a way to guarantee that the new behavior becomes stronger over time.

For attention-based challenging behaviors, one way to tackle this is to figure out what you think your child should be doing instead of the inappropriate behavior.  Of course, considering your child’s repertoire of skills first is important when figuring out what replacement behavior to teach.  Let’s say your child somehow finds the time you spend with him getting a “lecture” from you reinforcing, maybe one thing that you can do is stop or at least minimize the amount of time that you spend lecturing him and spend more time with him when he is behaving appropriately.  While doing that, also you can also do your best to spend more time with your child when he or she is behaving well (e.g., spending some time to play a favorite game, watching a favorite tv show, about talking about school/anything).

Lastly, when your child engages in challenging behaviors because it feels good, a little more thought has to be put into the alternative behavior.  It should be something that is not harmful and something, preferably, that you can control.  For example, if your child engages in repeating words/phrases or just vocalizing sounds that are not socially appropriate, allowing your child to engage in these behaviors in a particular environment (e.g., their bedroom) and teaching them to ask for “talking in my room” or something similar may help to gain control of where they may engage in this behavior.  When your child engages in this behavior anywhere else, he should be required to use the communication phrase and then go to the specified location.  Self-stimulatory behaviors can be very difficult to address on your own—more so if the behavior is also self-injurious in nature.

It will help you as a parent to practice on these concepts; however, should you continue having difficulties as to how to address you child’s most challenging behaviors, it is a good idea to reach out to a trained professional such as a BCBA as soon as possible.

Why Is Following Through Important When Giving Instructions

One of the biggest concerns that parents have when raising children living with autism is that “their children just don’t listen.” Besides making instructions very clear and giving instructions only when the child is paying attention, the biggest most important thing a parent must do is follow through when the child does not respond.  Not following through when your child does not respond only teaches your child that there is no need to follow your instructions in the future.  This pattern, if not addressed, can be very frustrating and stressful.

Following through; however, can be difficult because many times parents are multitasking on a daily basis: cooking dinner, cleaning up the house, talking on the phone, and telling their kids to clean up in the other room et cetera.  Think about this before giving instructions: make sure you have your child’s full attention before giving your instruction and once you give your instruction, make sure you can immediately assist your child with completing the instruction you just gave.

Imagine this situation.  Mom gives Sally her clothes in the morning and tells her to get dressed.  Mom then leaves the room and tries to get lunches and other kids ready as well.  She comes back and Sally is still in her jammies playing with her dolls.  Mom tells Sally again that she really needs her to get dressed, this time making sure Sally is looking at her while she gives her instruction, points to the clothes, and then leaves again to finish getting things ready for school.  When she comes back five minutes later, Sally is still in her jammies playing with her dolls.  When Sally’s mom tells her to put her jammies on in the future, do you think Sally will comply?  Probably not.

Try this instead.  Mom tells Sally she has three more minutes to play with her dolls then it’s time to get dressed.  She sets a timer so the beep becomes a signal to transition to another activity (dressing).  When the timer goes off, mom is right there to take the dolls and give Sally her clothes.  She tells her “get dressed.”  Instead of leaving the room, mom stays to make sure Sally starts getting dressed.  If Sally just sits there, within about 10 seconds mom tells Sally again to get dressed but this time mom helps Sally start taking off her jammies, gradually backing away as Sally does more and more of the task herself.  Mom does not leave the room and does not repeatedly tell Sally “get dressed” without helping and making sure Sally does get dressed.  Once Sally is done getting dressed, Sally’s mom gives her the dolls back for 5 more minutes of play before school as a reward for getting dressed.  Here, Sally will learn, over repeated times of Sally’s mom following through, that when her mom tells her to get dressed, she cannot continue playing with her toys unless she does what her mom says.

Again, one of the most important factors when increasing your child’s compliance is follow through! How easy is this for you to do?